In Retrospect.

The word God gave me for this year was "Tender" and "Truth". What I am writing is part of my healing, and it is TRUTH. I started writing on this blog in February of 2018 in an effort to recover from the most difficult season of my life. Well, a difficult season. There have been a few. December 2016 through January of 2017 topped off what had been a really horrible year. In December of 2015, what I thought was a period, turned into 4 months of continuous heavy bleeding. I did not have medical insurance, and I tried everything I could think of to stop this bleeding. After a lot of prayer, I realized that I had a deep wound from a family member. My ex-husbands younger brother had accused me of having a "Jezebel Spirit", and instead of telling me in person, he and his wife blocked me on facebook and refused to talk to David or I for over a year. This was incredibly painful to me, as I alway felt very close to their family. I spent several months in counseling completely crushed, not knowing why we had been rejected so severely and suddenly. When David confronted his brother, the issue was revealed. I sought spitiual counsel, but deperately felt that I would find some healing in an apology. After Ethan apologized to me, I stopped bleeding within a few hours. I considered this to be a deep spiritual and emotional wound that manifested in the physical realm. In March 30th of 2016, while I was heavily bleeding, David had an affair with a woman at his work. He came home and showered, got in bed with me, I had no idea what had just happened to my marriage. April 26th of 2016, Truett had a grand mal seizure lasting over 45 minutes. It was dismissed as a freak indcident, we were reffered to neuro. May 24th of 2016, David's mother died as the result of a surgical mistake, his family asked us to move out of the home we had been renting from them for several years. We were told this by his father, at the burial. We were given a few days to leave. Everything we owned was tossed into vehicles, trailers and our 5th wheel and hauled out to Beulah, near David's work at Crystal Mountain. June 1st 2016, we move with 3 children into our 5th wheel. David worked 8am to 5pm at Crystal Mountain coordinating weddings and 6pm to 11pm, sometimes later, at Copper Falls Restaurant in Traverse City. We were trying to save enough to fix David's credit and buy a house. In August, I found a 730 square foot house in Cadillac with one bedroom. We bought the house on land contract. I loved that little house! Finally, things would get better! The first night in the new house, Truett had another grand mal seizure, we were refferred to University of Michigan Neuro, and Truett was put on medication. In November, something felt off, like there was something between David and I in our marriage. I asked David to go with me to talk to our pastor and his wife. Nothing came of the meeting. We moved into a larger house in Cadillac, 3 blocks up from our tiny house. David's biological father moved into our tiny house. David tells me he wants another baby now that we are settled, I agree, knowing it usually took me over a year to get pregnant. I consulted with our geneticist at U of M to make sure this was a wise idea based on Truett's gene tests. He had no concerns. Here is where things really took a turn. In December 2016, I had to take Truett to U of M for overnight testing. The weather conditions were horrific, but I needed to get Truett there. He had 3 specialists he needed to see, and he had had another seizure in November. I went off the road 3 times on the way down state, and I got right back on the road. It took over 5 hours to get there. After all the testing was done, the Neurologist came in and sat on the bed. She told me Truett's diagosis. ESES epilepsy, electrical status epilepticus during slow wave sleep.Truett had spike waves in his sleep 88% of the time. In the same breath she also said I needed to get him diagnosed with autism, as he would need an intense amount of support. She asked us to stay another night to trial valium. The valium brought the spike waves down to 30% and we were sent home to see if Truett would improve over time. On the way home, I met Jaxon's mom to bring Jaxon home with me and surprise David for Christmas. A few days later, our van was stolen out of our driveway, leaving us with no car seats and one vehicle. Jaxon shared some details about his life at his mothers house that convinced David that Jaxon needed to stay with us permenantly. He called her and told her she would not be returning him. So our house inherited another child full time. I enrolled Jaxon in school, and we celebrated Christmas. January 1st, I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. My sister came to visit us and help me during my first trimester. January 24th, David and I went to our dating scan to see what our due date was, I had calculated it as Sept 4th, 2018, Labor Day. I was 10 weeks, almost in the 12 week safety zone. During the scan, the technician told us that the baby had stopped growing. My body hadn't realized it yet. A doctor was brought in to explain things. I was speechless and shocked. I had been a casket for weeks and thought the entire time that I was pregnant. Worse, David and I hadn't told anyone but my sister. So we had zero support. The thing about keeping the first trimester very private is that the only way you can share that you've had a miscarriage, and need help, is by telling people "I was pregnant, now i am not" right before you were planning to announce the pregnancy. 2017 was supposed to be better. We had a house, Truett had a diagnosis. I was pregnant. Not so fast. When we left the obgyn office, I asked David to take me to church. Our pastor prayed with us. I went home to tell my sister the news, David went to work. I spent the afternoon putting all my maternity clothing back in storage. The next day a had told a few friends and they said I should come to church for the evening service. Baby hadn't passed yet, and I knew I was going to need some strength to get through that part. David and I went to my dad's work at to tell him the news, and have him tell my mother. They didn't know I was pregnant. During the evening service, David felt compelled to tell me about the affair he had committed a year previous. He explained it as God "made" him tell me. So we left church, so he could confess in privacy. In detail, I heard of what occured on an evening in March 2016 while I was at home, doing dishes, laundry, nursing Pearl, putting the boys to bed. I was being violated, and I had no idea. I remember it was so bitter cold that night as we drove home from church. I had never felt so weak and taken advantage of. My body fooled me, my husband fooled me. I was just a vessel. I asked David to stay out of the house, I went inside (I was worried my sister would try to kill him). David went to the store, came back and stood in the front yard, with a bouquet of tulips. I took them and looked at him in the moonlight. I said "I forgive you". He left, and I went inside and took a pill to make me pass the pregnancy. The next morning, I passed what would have been our 3rd child, alone, in our bathroom. My sister brought me a box so I could bury this tiny tiny person, and say goodbye. Minutes later, David pulled in the driveway to take me to meet with our pastor...again. Our pastor was kind and loving, but he even seemed like he was at a loss as to how this should be handled. He recommended more specialized and professional help. David left for work and I went to mom's group. How I did all of this, I do not know. I honestly think I was in a state of shock. Disbelief, disconnect and disassociation. That night David came to the house and dug a hole in the frozen ground. We placed the box and the bouquet of tulips in the hole, covered it with dirt, and said goodbye. David left and I went inside to bed. I cried begged God to show my why on Earth all of this happened to me. The next day, David shared that in addition to thee affair, he had used drugs many times and had driven home from work drunk and high many times. He also told me that he had been to a strip club with his co-workers several times when I thought he was at work. He told me that when he had teeth removed a few years before, he got addictive pain killers, when we agreed he would not (due to his history with drugs and addiction). A few days later, my sister left, and we consulted with the pastor who married us. His advice to me was simple, do not allow David to move back into the house until we had worked through this. David was staying with is brother at this time. He would come to the house to help put the kids to bed and get the boys to school in the morning. We tried to talk about things, I hoped that the mountain between us was gone and we would finally have an intimacy in our marriage that we never had. I tried to heal, very much alone. Having a miscarriage was a forgotten thing. We barely discussed it and most of the focus went to our marriage and what David had done. I shoved down all my feelings about losing our baby, healing physcially and emotionally from what my brain and body had just been through just didn't feel like an option. I prioritized David, our living children, and our marriage. In May, tulips grew over the baby's grave. David had decided he was a boy, and we named him Jedadiah. Two weeks later, February 12th, is what I would mark as the day everything went back to normal. I went to the doctor and my hcg levels were back to normal, my body no longer thought I was pregnant. David took me out for Valentine's Day. When I went to drop him off at his brothers, all of his things had been bagged up and set by the door. His brother had decided to confess his own infidelity to his wife (apparently inspired by David's confession), and they wanted space to work through it. So David and his bagged possessions came back to our home. I told him this was not what we agreed on and he needed to move into our tiny house with his dad. His dad hadn't paid rent once since he moved in, so I felt it was fair for David to stay there. He simply said no. Just as the pastor had warned, life went back to normal, and I didn't put up a fight. I again felt very taken advantage of and unhealed. Life took over, Truett was officially diagnosed with autism and daily therapy began. Jaxon was struggling with the transition into our home from his mom's, and I needed to be present for everyone. Meals, laundry and homework were my responsibility and I continued in counseling, but simply accepted defeat and sadness. What and island I was on, I was certain no one had ever been in my shoes before. I did share with a few friends, who mostly responded with "WOW". What could anyone really say? I felt I needed space to heal, David rejected that request. My hands were tied. David and I went to professional counseling for a few months, which did not help at all. David began to say things like "well, you were bleeding at the time {that the affair took place}". I started to feel blamed for what happened, and a root of bitterness formed.Even personal counseling wasn't helping, my counselor was even speechless as to how to start unraveling things. Now things felt like they had before, but worse, and compounded by the struggles within our home (Truett's disability, evicting David's dad, replacing our stolen van). Now there was something else between us, my bitterness, anger and resentment toward David, no only for taking advantage of me, but letting everything go back to the way it was. I removed my emotions from our relationship, and began to function for survival and duty only. I felt a major opportunity was missed. My day to day life became incredibly hard as Truett's medical problems and behavior became more complex and difficult. I learned to detach my emotions from people and events. This was something that I had done before I met David, but did not plan on practicing or experiencing in our marriage. I fought against it for years, but in 2016 and 2017, it settled in for good. In 2018 we moved to Bremer street and I was pregnant with Harper. During this time there were several incidents where David would drink secretly or drink too much and try to drink. I told David several times that I wanted to separate, expressing that I felt a divorce was something I was seriously considering. He would remind me that I had no money, no income, no vehicle in my name and no where to go. He was right. My family and faith community all continued to encourage me to pray for him and stay with him. Throughout this entire time, I prayed every day for our marriage, for David, and that I would feel some kind of love for him again. In my heart I didn't feel like he loved me at any point in our marriage. Even his major gestures were void of real change or intimacy. Things would seem like they were the start of a change, and they were not. It was heartbreaking to me. In 2020, we found our house in Manton. In letters we wrote and emailed to each other, we had bother stated that we didn't feel much for each other anymore and we should get moved into the Manton house "for the kids". I will never forget, David stated that he loved me at "max capacity" and he couldn't love me any more than he already did. Off we went to Manton, hauling all our "stuff" and baggage with us. Covid took the nation by storm only a few days after we closed on our house. While David was laid off, we did projects together and both of us remarked that we didn't fight one time. I think this was because we spent time together working and planning our life. Something we hadn't gotten around to much in the years previous, as we were always dealing with major events and traumas. In the short time we had been married, David lost both of his mothers, my parents moved out of state, we moved several times. We had 3 children, financial issues, health issues. There were so many buried layers of hurt and disappointment, for me at least. At the Bremer house, I was drowning in housework, Truett was constantly destroying things in our house (with a smile on his face, God bless him lol), I had severe post partum depression, and I could barely keep up with life in general. I tried to do what I could, be involved at church, womens groups, worship, read christian books, journal, ask for prayer, seek personal mentorship. The issue was between David and I, and it was never addressed properly. By the Fall of 2020, I had caught some stride in life, I had raised some livestock on our property, harvested apples and berries, and done a significant amount of design work inside the house. I started losing weight and feeling good about myself. After a very long break from church due to covid, David decided we should start going to church at Revival Center. David got involved in everything he could. David and his brother (mentioned a few times in this post), started doing outreach in the local area and having Bible studies. David was home about 3 nights a week. This left me at home alone to raise handle the kids and all the chores by myself. I would serve dinner when Truett got home, get the kids ready for bed, put them to bed, do all the outdoor chores (feed animals, get eggs, replentish bedding, fill water dishes), then I would come inside and clean up after dinner and do laundry. I would start my routine by watching Tucker Carlson and doing dishes and floors at 8pm and I got downstairs to fold laundry around 10pm, heading to bed at midnight, usually later. David would come home from whatever he was doing, and go to bed. Many times Truett would not fall asleep until long after midnight. I would watch him on the monitor until he fell asleep. Pearl had night terrors around this time, and Harper was still little and woke up from time to time. I always got up with them by myself. I was exhausted and very very angry. David would say "love you" before he left to go places and I went from not returning the empty sentiment, to just saying "no, you don't". It didn't phase him at all. I will state this, I began filling my life with objects shortly after David confessed to the affair. I started hoarding books, animals, clothing, and shoes. I couldn't be in a room that didn't have a tv or music going. I constantly had to have something filling the air and space around me. I felt so empty, I started filling my life with things that I could obtain and control. By the time we moved to Manton, David was making enough money that I could spend pretty leisurely with little consequence. I was so mad at David that I told myself that if we had financial issues from my spending, David could figure it out. He messed me up and he could pay the consequences. December of 2020, I had mentally and emotionally separated myself from David and I tried to "live my life" without him. It wasn't hard because he was never around. I had my DVR shows, my animals, 3 good friends, and I was really losing weight. I was constantly tossing clothing in a pile for goodwill and fitting back into clothes I had held onto for years after I had my kids. David and I went to bed at different times and watched tv in seperate rooms. We talked casual like friends when we did talk.

This morning: I struggle. I'm confused and my mind is racing. I am really wondering when I am going to gain some discipline that will stick. Hopefully before it's too late? Whenever God intervenes and literally controls me like a robot? ( which He won't) I have major problems in my life that I just can't gain control of. Last night I begged God to take over help me in these areas. I have a major issue with my diet. I am stuck in a majorly crazy insane cycle. I eat really good for maybe 2 or 3 weeks (even though I am pretty sure I can't go one day without one slip up), then I don't see any radical changes, so a go down a very slippery slope into a carton of oreos. Smoking: I haven't tried to quit in a very long time. It's such a major part of my life and one of the only ways I have been able to control my anxiety. It's a way to force myself to get away from the kids and relax. My quiet times with God are really odd to me. What happens is I get really passionate about being in the Word, studying, worshipping and prayer. So I gather 100 books, 200 study guides, 670 songs on youtube and 1,000 notepads and paper. Then here's what I do: nothing. I have overwhelmed myself. Which is probably what I am doing right now. I don't know how to make habits that last (insert fake sobbing baby sound a pouty lip). I also don't really know anyone who actually adheres to any of these things either. I don't know anyone who does quiet time every day (maybe my dad?), eats well, and over all has it together. You might say no one does, which is not what I want to hear right now. I don't want to be my own mentor :/ I suck.

I really need to gut my house of useless crap. So this is how this works, I tell myself I am going to DO this! I am going to start ripping things out of closets and drawers. "I only need 7 pairs of underwear!" "No one needs lingerie!" "WHY DO WE HAVE 2 DONUT MAKERS?!" "DO kids really need toys?" But alas. I generally make giant mess, and then get hungry, and then my schedule creeps up on me and I run late to somewhere I need to be,I get home, I'm hungry and tired again (or someone else is) and then we tread over the mess I make for 3 weeks until I realize it's there and the guilt hits me. Zoiks. That's grim. Makes it hard to feel successful. Then it starts to pile onto the depression load, which is already stacked with the last 6 times I did this, this year.

I really need a win. I don't know what that looks like. I've been failing for so long, what would it feel like to eat well and see some results? I don't know. What would it feel like to have a prayer time every day that set me up for success. Or feel like getting my daily goals accomplished was tangible (and I could go to bed early without feeling ashamed, or sleeping with a pile of laundry). I have no idea. I guess I kind of started "behind" because of getting married to a person that was already responsible for two kids, and his mom was taking care of all 3 of them.I was blinded by his hottness. Darn it.

I wish I could have an intervention on myself. Maybe this could be done. I could make like 3 videos, of me, telling me that I need to get it together. I could read letters about how much I love me and I deserve better and want better for me. This is genius. Or I could just roll up my sleeves and get my butt in gear. Ugh. Insert eyeroll smiley emoji.(it's definitely the superior emoji).

The Way of the Master, and why YOU need to know it.

Speaking Peace and Healing Into Darkness

Just over a week ago, my natural doctor and friend passed away. I wrote about some of my memories of her. She was a beautiful, special christian person, and I already miss her.

Speaking Peace and Healing Into Darkness


I have known Kelly for a very short 6 years, though I began to hear about her for years before that. I had many health issues and my family encouraged me to see her after she helped my sister with her kidney disease. My first visit with Kelly was $40. Our appointment with her was pleasant and I was glad she was able to answer so many questions. One of my struggles was with not being able to get pregnant. Our appointment with her was early in July, I got pregnant the first week in August with Truett. A year later we moved back to Michigan, she helped me get through mastitis 7 times in the first 7 months of my sons life. When I got pregnant with Pearl, I started to have a miscarriage. My sister in law stayed with me for several days and Kelly would text her ideas to help me stay pregnant until she could see me. When my daughter was born, we were in Kelly’s office before Pearl was 4 days old. She said Pearl’s cry sounded like a baby unicorn :) Several months later, Truett had his first seizure. As soon as we were sent home from the hospital, we got Truett into Kelly for a last minute appointment. She checked him and helped us figure out why he was so weak. She was so kind, Truett is wild and got into all her stuff in her office every time we were there. He would trip over all her cords, throw stuff and wipe his nose on her desk and furniture. One times he threw a sucker stick and it landed right on her desk. She had these antique health books on the floor under her hutch...I always worried Truett would shred them!

When we were living our camper after my mother in law died, I went to see kelly because I started losing my hair and my mind...She would always say “You’re doing so many great things, good job.” I needed her reassurance and her kindness. I needed someone to say “good job”, someone to notice how hard I was trying to care for my family! She spoke peace and healing into my body and spirit. There were times when I would walk in and she would say ok we need to pray right now. She would hold my hands or put her hand on my head and pray peace into me. I cried so many times on the other side of her desk. The last few years have been so hard on my body and spirit. When I found out that I had lost my pregnancy, first stop was church, second stop was Kelly. Her receptionist told her what was going on and she immediately came out and checked me. Of course a warm hug, and her peaceful, calm, soft caring voice. Once I came to see her again after the miscarriage, I shared with her what had happened with my marriage and my baby. I told her I was choosing to forgive my husband and walk into healing with him. I also expressed that we were unsure of what to do about our son and his epilepsy, expect healing or accept the diagnosis. She gave me a book called “Moving Mountains” and then didn’t charge me for my appointment! I was in tears! It was a long appointment worth at least $120 minimum. When I would be in the store looking for help, she would come up and hug me and say how are you doing? She checked me and said, wow you need blood builder! She was a woman of high value and no matter how much her profession focused on health of the body, she genuinely cared about the spiritual and emotional health of the person. I always thought, there’s no way we could move out of state, how would I ever find someone like Kelly to take my children and family to see?! Her voice was so calming and peaceful. I will really miss her. She was a special part of my life and it was God’s hand working freely through her that gave my husband and I a family.

I really hope that over time and as I develop, God will shape me into a woman that allows His work to flow through her hands.

Time to Clean Up Shop

Is it too cluttered to work in your heart? During worship, I heard clearly "It's time to clean up shop." As soon as I heard this I pictured an coverall clad mechanic with a dirty face and worn hands walking into a repair shop. He looked around dismayed because of the huge mess crowding the work area. He pushed a button on the wall behind him to open the large garage door on the front of the building. As the sun shone through the door, he began to sort through the garbage and toss things quickly out of the garage to make room for the work he needed to do.

Daily life in my world, and the world in general, clutter abounds. It seems to me that the more clutter I have in my home, the more cluttered my brain is. I have a lot of things. The life I lives requires me to always be thinking about the next purchase. Who needs socks, school supplies, food for special diets, gifts for the holidays, and general comfort and enjoyment items. When we live this life, we really also need to be decluttering constantly. When I slack in the decluttering area, everyone suffers. I can't think straight, the house is a bomb, no one can find anything and I absolutely can not bring more into the house. If I don't declutter, I end up in a vicious cycle of trying to find places to store things, and struggling to enjoy daily life because I have so much pressure on me.

I absolutely felt this was a spiritual message I needed to apply to my life. I was thinking about the things I struggle with as
clutter in my heart. I realized I need to toss a lot of things out of my mind so God can get some new thoughts and ideas in my head. I started saying "NO" to thoughts that would come into my head and immediately dismissing them. This has helped cut out all kinds of distractions and keep me on task. So, my garage door is open, and I'm tossing things out, binding them up and making room for new and better!!

Deeper

I started this blog a few months ago to chronicle the healing process that I am going through. I am really really needing to solidify my time with the Lord. I absolutely can not live life without Christ being the most important part of my day. I love studying, reading and writing. So I am trying to start a devotional routine that is easy to follow and nourishing to my daily walk and challenges. I also feel like this will open a portal for God to speak to my heart more often and more directly. Right now, I have allowed my daily routines and responsibilities to become an idol in my life. Right now I am trying to start by getting up early without any distractions to study. There couldn't be a better way to start the day! I do have a great vision of having a special area where I can spend my time with the Lord every day. A special area set apart to study and hear from God, that's the dream. I think if I make a special area, then as I go through my day, the impact of that time alone will remain in my mind and on my heart. Someday, I could teach other women how to make an area like that for themselves.

I recently taught a small lesson for a mom's group based around the story "My Heart Christ's Home" by Robert Boyd Munger. When I asked the group who was having quiet time with the Lord every day, there was only one woman (out of maybe 10), that said she had devotions every day with her husband. I was sad because I felt like these moms were really missing out during the most stressful times of their lives. WHen we have kids hanging all over us, paperwork, husbands to please and an entire home to take care of, we need to hear GOD! We need to be in the word for our daily bread and encouragement for our souls, minds and bodies!

SO here is what I imagine, a beautifully colored chair (maybe a recliner) with a cozy throw blanket. A nice rug under the chair and a small side table with a drawer. Maybe a lamp. Definitely a coaster. ;) Of course, I know that in any situation I can read the Word and seek God, but making a special spot to do this, would definitely help me sneak away from my family or fall out of bed to get to it, even when I don't feel like it!

Filled.