This morning: I struggle. I'm confused and my mind is racing. I am really wondering when I am going to gain some discipline that will stick. Hopefully before it's too late? Whenever God intervenes and literally controls me like a robot? ( which He won't) I have major problems in my life that I just can't gain control of. Last night I begged God to take over help me in these areas. I have a major issue with my diet. I am stuck in a majorly crazy insane cycle. I eat really good for maybe 2 or 3 weeks (even though I am pretty sure I can't go one day without one slip up), then I don't see any radical changes, so a go down a very slippery slope into a carton of oreos. Smoking: I haven't tried to quit in a very long time. It's such a major part of my life and one of the only ways I have been able to control my anxiety. It's a way to force myself to get away from the kids and relax. My quiet times with God are really odd to me. What happens is I get really passionate about being in the Word, studying, worshipping and prayer. So I gather 100 books, 200 study guides, 670 songs on youtube and 1,000 notepads and paper. Then here's what I do: nothing. I have overwhelmed myself. Which is probably what I am doing right now. I don't know how to make habits that last (insert fake sobbing baby sound a pouty lip). I also don't really know anyone who actually adheres to any of these things either. I don't know anyone who does quiet time every day (maybe my dad?), eats well, and over all has it together. You might say no one does, which is not what I want to hear right now. I don't want to be my own mentor :/ I suck.

I really need to gut my house of useless crap. So this is how this works, I tell myself I am going to DO this! I am going to start ripping things out of closets and drawers. "I only need 7 pairs of underwear!" "No one needs lingerie!" "WHY DO WE HAVE 2 DONUT MAKERS?!" "DO kids really need toys?" But alas. I generally make giant mess, and then get hungry, and then my schedule creeps up on me and I run late to somewhere I need to be,I get home, I'm hungry and tired again (or someone else is) and then we tread over the mess I make for 3 weeks until I realize it's there and the guilt hits me. Zoiks. That's grim. Makes it hard to feel successful. Then it starts to pile onto the depression load, which is already stacked with the last 6 times I did this, this year.

I really need a win. I don't know what that looks like. I've been failing for so long, what would it feel like to eat well and see some results? I don't know. What would it feel like to have a prayer time every day that set me up for success. Or feel like getting my daily goals accomplished was tangible (and I could go to bed early without feeling ashamed, or sleeping with a pile of laundry). I have no idea. I guess I kind of started "behind" because of getting married to a person that was already responsible for two kids, and his mom was taking care of all 3 of them.I was blinded by his hottness. Darn it.

I wish I could have an intervention on myself. Maybe this could be done. I could make like 3 videos, of me, telling me that I need to get it together. I could read letters about how much I love me and I deserve better and want better for me. This is genius. Or I could just roll up my sleeves and get my butt in gear. Ugh. Insert eyeroll smiley emoji.(it's definitely the superior emoji).