This is my resume of past pain and hurt that I have experience with. Some things I have healed from, some are in the process of recovery. It seems that when one of them comes to the surface, all the pain and hurt of times past try to come up with it. As I walk into and through my many phases of healing, I learn which coping skills I need to use and which ones I need to develop. My greatest struggle is probably when, where, how and why to share with others. It seems like sharing leaves me with this major emotional deficit that leaves me feeling so exposed that I can't bear to be around other people at all. I am so perplexed at this reaction that I feel the need to explore it more, before I bury it and it pops up again somewhere in my life like a mischievous weed in a beautiful garden.
As I walk this road, I will be reading, writing, crafting, decorating, seeking counsel,praying,singing, laughing and exploring what God has for me in all of this.
If feel so unstable and insecure about relationships that I feel like the only way to cope is to turn inward and continue to seek God and the Word. The more I try to explain these things to others, the more I feel God telling me to shut my mouth and get on my knees. There has never been a time that I felt better after sharing my horror stories with others. It always feels like venting and never has any testimonial properties. It's like I'm seeking counsel from others that only God can provide. Many times when I have asked for help, I have heard Him tell me to "learn of Him" which is a reference from Matthew 11:28-30. In these verse, Jesus is asking us to rest, He's strong enough! We don't have to over think it, over do it, or try to do anything on our own. HE'S GOT THIS. Yet in my sinful nature, I get a self sufficient attitude that presses me even deeper into self isolation.
There are several books I would like to dig into and journal here. I am also wanting to start an interactive Bible study, for now just creating the plan on my own and praying about whether or not God wants this idea to flourish into something greater. I want to seek God deeper than ever before and document the things he says to me during these times. I also want to laugh a lot, I will be painting with broad strokes as I gather ideas to share here. No one may ever read this, but I will, and I know God can see my heart.
God gave me many giftings, as He has all of His children! I am aware of many of my giftings, the question is how God wants me to use them now, and in what way can I use them to most effectively glorify His name.
I have a great love for art and history. This painting by Ron DiCianni, Divine Healing, is a depiction of my current state. One of a seeker, a woman on a desperate quest for healing from the pains of life. Maybe you can relate. I would absolutely love to have this painting in my house someday. I will have to list my bucket list of paintings in a post ;)
There is a deep longing in my heart that began when I was a child and refuses to be quenched: to abide nearest to my Father and to share healing touch with others. I want to sit on shoulders and rest under the shadow of His wings.
I hope this is the beginning of that journey.
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